No, me neither – until I found out the hard way.
May I offer some suggestions?
I’d like to pay tribute to the friends who have helped me most by:
May I offer some suggestions?
- If you don’t know what to say, admit it. A look of sympathy, eye contact and a ‘I’m so sorry, I just don’t know what to say’ goes a long way.
- For heaven’s sake, say something! DON’T change the subject.
- DON'T push us to speculate on guilt or innocence. And don't assume we would be more comfortable with either judgment; both of them are likely to give us pain.
- DON’T say, ‘Do you regret giving birth to him/adopting him?’ Parents are fiercely tenacious in their love. We may be angry, disappointed, ashamed, but we don’t ever give up.
- DO recognise the impact on the parent. No matter what the court decides, this is a life sentence for everyone involved, for the victim, the offender and the family. It’s not our crime, but it is still our sentence.
- For the family of an offender, this can feel like a bereavement, but with no funeral, no cards, no flowers. Just as the death of an unborn child is sometimes unacknowledged, this can feel like a grief unrecognised.
- DON’T assume you know what is involved – sexual offence covers a huge spectrum of behaviour
- DON’T assume that you know how we feel about the offence or that we have changed our values because it is our son who is accused.
- DON’T say ‘The Me-Too movement has gone too far.’
- DON’T offer glib comfort. We won’t feel better in a few weeks. We may learn to live with it, but we won’t ever get over it.
I’d like to pay tribute to the friends who have helped me most by:
- saying that if I ever wanted to talk, cry or just have a hug, they would drop everything and be there for me;
- sending cards, letters, texts and emails that are thoughtfully worded, making no assumptions;
- telling me I am amazing (I’m not, of course, but if there is ever a time when self-esteem needed a boost it is now);
- leaving unexpected flowers on my doorstep;
- going out of their way to be with me in person;
- continuing to care, weeks after the initial shock.