Recently a close friend told me that she and her husband planned to adopt. They’d brought up two happy, successful children of their own, and generously wanted to extend their family to include children in need. She wanted to know what I thought of the idea. She asked because she knew that I’d worked with children in care. She knew that I’m a single parent adopter and have an adopted step-daughter.
It wasn’t an easy question to answer. On one hand I’m familiar with the almost certainly downward trajectory for children who are taken into local authority ‘care’. On the other hand I know the struggle of being an adoptive parent which almost broke me. My wish for any prospective adopters is that they are not as naïve as I was.
My screening and preparation for adoption took two full years. In that time, I believed I had thought of everything, but I was wrong. My experience as an adopter has led me to believe that there is so much that is touched on too lightly or left unsaid. As this is Adoption Week Scotland, I thought I might share some of the truth that the campaign images of happy, healthy families with beautiful infants glosses over:
Everything that hurts your child will hurt you even more
That’s also true of birth children, but what is not always made explicit is that the adoptive child will have much more hurt than a birth child - a level of hurt that you cannot imagine. And that hurt will get you right in the guts. Children are not placed for adoption until compelling evidence is gathered. By that time significant damage has already been done. You will grieve for them, not just during the childhood years, but for all of their life.
Don’t expect to be told everything you need to know about your adopted child
Chances are they have already had several carers and many professionals in their lives. No-one knows it all. Careful records may be kept, but no-one knows the complete story. The child may also come to you with stories that only they know, and which they may never share. You will be working in the dark.
Love is not enough
It’s so tempting to think that love will be a sufficient salve for all your adopted child’s wounds. It won’t be. You will need a very strong and faithful network of friends and family. You will need a very secure ego. You will need professional assistance. You will need the resilience that can bend, be broken , yet spring back again.
You never really know yourself until you have an adopted child
That’s also true for birth children, but adopting may take you to some very scary places in your own psyche. Children who have experienced trauma have an ability to stir very deep those murky depths that we’d rather ignore.
It’s a life time job
Mental health disorders are more common in adopted children. You may still be caring for your child and hurting with them in old age. The trauma your child endured will not only affect them for the rest of their lives, it may affect their children too.
Once I had shared all those caveats with my friend, I hugged her and told her she’s make a great adoptive mum. I was also able to tell her that I still consider that adopting a child was the single most important thing I have ever done, and that in spite of what it still costs me, I have no regrets.
It wasn’t an easy question to answer. On one hand I’m familiar with the almost certainly downward trajectory for children who are taken into local authority ‘care’. On the other hand I know the struggle of being an adoptive parent which almost broke me. My wish for any prospective adopters is that they are not as naïve as I was.
My screening and preparation for adoption took two full years. In that time, I believed I had thought of everything, but I was wrong. My experience as an adopter has led me to believe that there is so much that is touched on too lightly or left unsaid. As this is Adoption Week Scotland, I thought I might share some of the truth that the campaign images of happy, healthy families with beautiful infants glosses over:
Everything that hurts your child will hurt you even more
That’s also true of birth children, but what is not always made explicit is that the adoptive child will have much more hurt than a birth child - a level of hurt that you cannot imagine. And that hurt will get you right in the guts. Children are not placed for adoption until compelling evidence is gathered. By that time significant damage has already been done. You will grieve for them, not just during the childhood years, but for all of their life.
Don’t expect to be told everything you need to know about your adopted child
Chances are they have already had several carers and many professionals in their lives. No-one knows it all. Careful records may be kept, but no-one knows the complete story. The child may also come to you with stories that only they know, and which they may never share. You will be working in the dark.
Love is not enough
It’s so tempting to think that love will be a sufficient salve for all your adopted child’s wounds. It won’t be. You will need a very strong and faithful network of friends and family. You will need a very secure ego. You will need professional assistance. You will need the resilience that can bend, be broken , yet spring back again.
You never really know yourself until you have an adopted child
That’s also true for birth children, but adopting may take you to some very scary places in your own psyche. Children who have experienced trauma have an ability to stir very deep those murky depths that we’d rather ignore.
It’s a life time job
Mental health disorders are more common in adopted children. You may still be caring for your child and hurting with them in old age. The trauma your child endured will not only affect them for the rest of their lives, it may affect their children too.
Once I had shared all those caveats with my friend, I hugged her and told her she’s make a great adoptive mum. I was also able to tell her that I still consider that adopting a child was the single most important thing I have ever done, and that in spite of what it still costs me, I have no regrets.