There are lots of these lists available. This is a very personal one, based on a lifetime of research with the Black Dog.
Things not to say to a person with depression:
I’m praying for you
If we have faith we may feel God has abandoned us or is punishing us, so the mention of your prayers rubs salt into the wound. If we have no faith then it’s just plain bollocks. By all means pray for us if it makes you feel better, but do keep it to yourself.
But you have so much to live for!
You mean I have lots of friends, a lovely partner, a nice house, a satisfying career and money in the bank? So what? We may not be able to access any of it. We can see it all, but it is as if a glass wall separated us from all that normally gives us joy and satisfaction. Even the weather has no power to ‘cheer us up’. Depression is at its cruellest on a sunny day.
Never mind, I am sure you will feel better tomorrow
But maybe we won’t. How do you know?
Can I get you a drink?
If we like alcohol we may very well say yes, but alcohol is a depressant so it’s absolutely the wrong thing to suggest. Anyway, no matter how much it may initially dull the pain, we know that the come down will make us feel worse than before.
You must eat something
Food can seem tasteless in depression. Some of us therefore eat very little and lose weight. Some of us eat more than usual in an effort to find something, anything that might have taste. If I belonged to the first category you would be mistaking me for Twiggy by now. Not eating, or eating more than we should is just another reason to be miserable – don’t remind us of it, but be prepared to whip up something tasty if we feel we could fancy it.
Exercise will improve your mood
Did you seriously think we didn’t already know that? At times, we have trouble finding the energy to get out of bed and have a shower – do you really think we are ready for a walk?
Things to consider saying to a person with depression:
Would you like some chocolate?
Maybe we don’t like chocolate (I’m told such people exist) but the rest of us will certainly have read all the research that says chocolate increases endorphins and raises serotonin levels so our only question may be, ‘Just how soon can you get it here?’
May I ask if there is any chance you are feeling so bad that you are thinking of ending your life?
Almost certainly we are. It may have been a fleeting thought, or we may already have a detailed plan. It will be an enormous relief to talk about it, but first you should be prepared to hear what we have to say, and know how to respond. If in doubt, consider undertaking ASIST training, which is designed to equip lay people to prevent suicide.
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
We may not be able to think of anything, but it helps to know that you are open to what we might need. But please don't keep presenting us with a list of things you might do, it hurts to be reminded of all the things that we feel just won't work.
I know it will be hard to believe at this moment, but you won’t always feel this way.
You can say this with some authority as the vast majority of depressions do clear up eventually. Our worst fear is that we will experience the unbearable pain of depression forever. We need you to acknowledge how powerful that terror can be. The depressed mind can’t conceive of a brighter future – we need you to hold that for us until we can.
I believe in you. You are a great mother/friend/artist/ cook…. You might not be able to believe you can do these things right now, but you will be able to do all that again…and more.
Our depressed minds might reject these truths, but if you can accept the pain of our lack of self-belief, you can hold those truths for us until we are able see once more that we are worthy of love and belonging.
Things not to say to a person with depression:
I’m praying for you
If we have faith we may feel God has abandoned us or is punishing us, so the mention of your prayers rubs salt into the wound. If we have no faith then it’s just plain bollocks. By all means pray for us if it makes you feel better, but do keep it to yourself.
But you have so much to live for!
You mean I have lots of friends, a lovely partner, a nice house, a satisfying career and money in the bank? So what? We may not be able to access any of it. We can see it all, but it is as if a glass wall separated us from all that normally gives us joy and satisfaction. Even the weather has no power to ‘cheer us up’. Depression is at its cruellest on a sunny day.
Never mind, I am sure you will feel better tomorrow
But maybe we won’t. How do you know?
Can I get you a drink?
If we like alcohol we may very well say yes, but alcohol is a depressant so it’s absolutely the wrong thing to suggest. Anyway, no matter how much it may initially dull the pain, we know that the come down will make us feel worse than before.
You must eat something
Food can seem tasteless in depression. Some of us therefore eat very little and lose weight. Some of us eat more than usual in an effort to find something, anything that might have taste. If I belonged to the first category you would be mistaking me for Twiggy by now. Not eating, or eating more than we should is just another reason to be miserable – don’t remind us of it, but be prepared to whip up something tasty if we feel we could fancy it.
Exercise will improve your mood
Did you seriously think we didn’t already know that? At times, we have trouble finding the energy to get out of bed and have a shower – do you really think we are ready for a walk?
Things to consider saying to a person with depression:
Would you like some chocolate?
Maybe we don’t like chocolate (I’m told such people exist) but the rest of us will certainly have read all the research that says chocolate increases endorphins and raises serotonin levels so our only question may be, ‘Just how soon can you get it here?’
May I ask if there is any chance you are feeling so bad that you are thinking of ending your life?
Almost certainly we are. It may have been a fleeting thought, or we may already have a detailed plan. It will be an enormous relief to talk about it, but first you should be prepared to hear what we have to say, and know how to respond. If in doubt, consider undertaking ASIST training, which is designed to equip lay people to prevent suicide.
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
We may not be able to think of anything, but it helps to know that you are open to what we might need. But please don't keep presenting us with a list of things you might do, it hurts to be reminded of all the things that we feel just won't work.
I know it will be hard to believe at this moment, but you won’t always feel this way.
You can say this with some authority as the vast majority of depressions do clear up eventually. Our worst fear is that we will experience the unbearable pain of depression forever. We need you to acknowledge how powerful that terror can be. The depressed mind can’t conceive of a brighter future – we need you to hold that for us until we can.
I believe in you. You are a great mother/friend/artist/ cook…. You might not be able to believe you can do these things right now, but you will be able to do all that again…and more.
Our depressed minds might reject these truths, but if you can accept the pain of our lack of self-belief, you can hold those truths for us until we are able see once more that we are worthy of love and belonging.